When you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every embarrassing sex question women wish they could ask their boyfriend.
Do you like it when I gnaw at your erection like corn on the cob?
It can be hard to hear criticism of your sexual technique, but no, he does not.
Why are some penises curved?
That is the standard curse after being tricked by a goblin who promised you great riches.
What kind of foreplay do you like?
Penetrative sex.
Can you break your penis during sex?
Only if you’re doing it right.
Why are some men against using toys in the bedroom?
They lose value if you take them out of the package.
What dirty nicknames can I call you during sex?
Bruce Springsteen, “The Boss,” Mr. Springsteen.
Why do men have to use the restroom after having sex?
He needs a private room to call his mom.
What should I do with your balls?
Gently chew.
It’s not a big deal. It happens to a lot of guys.
Don’t patronize them. And that’s not a question.
What does pleasurable sex feel like?
This highly guarded secret must stay with the men.
What does my vagina smell like?
Like a slow-cooked pot roast slathered in butter.
What are you thinking about while making love?
During sex, men primarily think about high-fiving their favorite professional sports players to celebrate their sexual victory.
What is post-nut clarity?
A transcendent state in which you observe the entirety of space and time and every possible iteration of the future, before realizing you’re horny again.
Does it hurt your thorax when I touch you here?
Men are often shy about having their shiny, spiky thoraxes fondled, but they secretly love it.
Why does your penis burst into flames after sex?
Friction.
Could you help me get this sweater unstuck from the inside of the dryer?
Yes. Yes they can.
Do you think that it feels good when I do that?
Odds are he does.
Did you pull out in time?
Definitively, no.
