Elon Musk Touts Project To Teach Neuralink Monkeys To Commit Sexual Harassment

SAN FRANCISCO—In a long-awaited product update from the startup that has developed brain-machine interfaces so rhesus macaques can play video games with their minds, Elon Musk revealed a new project Monday that would teach monkeys outfitted with Neuralink chips to sexually harass their coworkers. “Using state-of-the-art brain implants, we can train monkeys to understand what professional boundaries are and how they can be transgressed in a highly inappropriate and sexual manner,” said Musk, explaining how Neuralink’s Bluetooth-enabled chips could be used to activate the motor cortex of a primate so that it administers unwanted massages in the workplace or uses rudimentary sign language to comment on a coworker’s body. “Admittedly, there have been a few glitches so far, with several of the monkeys asking for permission before engaging in lewd behavior and, in some cases, even stopping when they heard the word ‘no.’ But yesterday we got a monkey to use its mind to send a picture of its genitals to the woman who answers the phones here.” Multiple sources at Neuralink said that Musk, in an attempt to encourage monkeys to masturbate in an office environment, would routinely place them behind a desk and eagerly stroke their erect penises.