Elizabeth Holmes Discovers Secret Of Theranos Technology Right As Prison Cell Door Closes

BRYAN, TX—Jumping up and down and shouting when the answer she’d spent years searching for finally came into focus, prison inmate Elizabeth Holmes reportedly discovered how to make the Theranos blood analyzer work last week at the exact moment the cell door closed on her for the first time. “Oh my God, that’s it—that’s it,” said the former biotech entrepreneur, who then gasped, grabbed her new cellmate, and screamed that she’d “finally done it,” only to have cell bars immediately slammed in her face. “Finally, I understand. It was right in front of me the whole time. I’m going to save humanity! Soon, everyone in the world will be able to analyze their health information from a single drop of blood using my genius portable device. You have to believe me! Please!” At press time, Holmes could be seen carving a new blueprint for the device into the wall of her prison cell, pricking her finger, and asking any prison guard who would listen for $700 million.