Elementary School Lesson On Water Cycle Explains How Water Becomes Property Of Nestlé

HUDSON, NY—In a lesson intended to help her class understand the crucial feature of ecology, elementary school teacher Dina Schultz reportedly instructed her students Tuesday on the part of the water cycle where water becomes the property of the Nestlé corporation. “After condensation and precipitation, the water enters Nestlé-owned lakes, streams, and aquifers, where it’s purified to become part of the company’s beloved line of products,” said Schultz, showing her fifth-grade classroom a graph with an arrow pointing directly from the clouds into a Nestlé packaging facility where the water would become Nestea, Nestlé Pure Life, Perrier, and San Pellegrino. “At this point, some of the water runoff will be combined with chocolate extract and soy lecithin to become Nesquik. And what’s really cool is the workers who do that are all 9-year-old slaves! That’s about your age, huh, class?” Schultz concluded the lesson by adding that the products are then purchased for $8.99 at an airport and urinated out, with the cycle beginning anew.