Elderly Poll Watcher Doing Slow, Confused Job Of Intimidating Voters

LEAGUE CITY, TX—Noting that the clearly flustered man had zero idea what to do or say, local voter Raleigh Jenkins told reporters Tuesday that the elderly poll watcher he encountered was doing a slow, confused job of intimidating voters. “This morning, what should have been a very fast process took forever because the right-wing extremist tasked with patrolling my polling place barely knew how to disenfranchise me or anyone else in line,” said Jenkins, adding that in an ideal world, he would have shown up to cast his vote; gotten pushed around by an armed, masked man in a bulletproof vest; and then been back in his car in five to 10 minutes. “As much as I appreciate him showing up and trying to stand in the way of democracy, the old man could barely point his gun at my forehead and kept forgetting what he was saying about the 2020 election being stolen from Donald Trump by the Democratic cabal. Honestly, I almost felt bad for the guy. It took him 45 minutes just to call his militia and ask if he should kill the guy in front of me for supposedly committing voter fraud.” At press time, Jenkins told reporters that he was ultimately just grateful he made it to work on time, because as he was leaving, the elderly poll watcher saw a Black voter, clutched his chest, and collapsed.