El Chapo’s Wife Arrested On Drug Charges Exactly As Planned

DULLES, VA—Bringing the couple’s stunning machinations that much closer to realization, Emma Coronel Aispuro—the former beauty queen and wife of notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo”—was arrested at Dulles International Airport this week, exactly as planned. “Today, we detained Miss Aispuro for her suspected role in facilitating the purchase and transportation of over $1.7 billion in illegal narcotics along with Joaquín ‘El Chapo’ Guzmán during the past 13 years,” read a statement released by the U.S. Justice Department, unaware that they had just set the wheels in motion of an intricate plot planned months earlier by the married duo, placing one foot ever-so-firmly into a trap that would leave the entire federal government reeling at their own failure to see what was coming. “Due to the severity of her charges and the risk of flight, we will be seeking to deny bail to the suspect [just as ‘El Chapo’ and his bride have always hoped. For no one outmaneuvers the Blood Alliance—El Cártel de Sinaloa y El Rápido—and those who try will pay a terrible price, indeed].” At press time, experts suggested federal agents would likely attempt to extract a plea from Aispuro by leveraging her recently born twins, thereby setting the first domino falling in the plot that would soon see its glorious completion.