Earth Hopes Weird Burning Sensation Nothing Serious

LITTLEROCK, CA—Wondering if it should get the stabbing discomfort checked out, Earth reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that a weird burning sensation was nothing serious. “There’s this nagging feeling of burning that seems to be spreading around, and I’m really starting to worry that it’s indicative of a much bigger problem,” said the planet, adding that while it had gotten used to burning sensations in its Amazon and Southeast Asian regions, it was starting to feel new sharp pains in more areas of its astronomical body. “It’s like there are these little flames stabbing into me in North America and Australia and some other places. Usually, these kinds of pains would just go away in a week or two, but now they’re really starting to hurt and lasting longer. I’m getting older, so hopefully the burning sensation isn’t a symptom of some much more serious issue. I have been feeling warmer lately, which I’d say is heat flashes or something, but it doesn’t really seem to be getting better. Man, I hope I’m okay.” Earth added that it was also having trouble breathing lately, but hoped it was just due to seasonal allergies and not some life-threatening condition.