Dr. Scholl’s Introduces New Amputation Kit For Dry, Cracked Feet

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Touting the product’s ability to not only treat, but also prevent the condition, Dr. Scholl’s introduced a new amputation kit Tuesday for dry, cracked feet. “When hydrating foot balms and creams just won’t do the trick, reach for Dr. Scholl’s all-new Foot Amputation Kit, for dry and damaged skin beyond repair,” said CEO Craig Stevenson, who revealed that the 12-piece kit came with a trephine, a pair of bone nippers, a bone saw, a leather tourniquet, scissors, tweezers, a thick piece of wood for biting down on, several knives, and a butane torch. “Cracked heels hurt, make walking difficult, and can take weeks to heal on their own. Dr. Scholl’s Foot Amputation Kit makes dry feet disappear. You never know when dry skin will strike, so buy an extra one to stick in your purse or stash in your desk drawer. We also encourage customers to check out our new line of Dr. Scholl’s-branded whiskeys for downing before you saw through your flesh.” At press time, Stevenson added that the company was not liable for any infections, exsanguination, or other medical complications.