Dr. Anthony Fauci, who has served as a health advisor to seven U.S. presidents and became a household name during the coronavirus pandemic, announced Monday that he would step down from government service in December. The Onion looks at the highlights of Dr. Fauci’s long career.
1940: Begins nine-month residency program in his mother’s uterus.
1958: Voted “most likely to fight an epidemic” in high school.
1968: Joins National Institutes of Health, spending entire career in public service despite numerous high-paying offers from the private sector, which he definitely doesn’t regret not taking.
1981: Rise of AIDS gives Fauci valuable experience botching a pandemic response.
1987: Soothes pretty rough cough with some echinacea tea.
2008: Receives Presidential Medal of Freedom, which still counts even though it was awarded by George W. Bush.
2020: Becomes liberal folk hero due to steadfast willingness to change recommendations and conceal information depending on what corporations want.
2022: Spends final days in office debating whether to warn anyone about next pandemic.
2023: Finally gets vaccinated.
