Following the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden’s younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they said.
Brody, Mastiff
“That kind of conduct is only appropriate for Black neighbors.”
Lady, Bichon Frisé
“Okay, but the 11th one really deserved it.”
Sunny, Portuguese Water Dog
“That’s nothing. When I was in the Obama administration, I ate one of his kids.”
Pee Wee, Chihuahua
“That is not a dog. That is a man in a hyper-realistic dog costume.”
Meatball Jones, Esq., Pit Bull
“My client Commander Biden asks that you respect his privacy at this time.”
Martha, Border Collie
“But that’s impossible. Biting is forbidden.”
Otto, German Shepherd
“Not all of us German Shepherds are biters. Some of us are weapons-trained.”
Cooper, Boston Terrier
“It’s despicable! Hearing about that has got me so mad I could just hump.”
Bella, Labrador Retriever
“I don’t have any opinion because I’m a dog.”
Stinky, Bulldog
“Yet another case of Joe Biden using his political influence to protect a guilty member of the family.”
Milo, Boxer
“What are you doing with your life? You’re midway through a slideshow of dogs talking about another dog? Why?”
Peanut, Jack Russell Terrier
“Learning to neutralize the president’s perimeter is just obedience training 101.”
Michael Corleone, Chihuahua
“Sometimes hands taste like hot dogs, so the potential reward far outweighs the consequences.”
Sadie, Australian Shepherd
“It’s frustrating this is getting so much news coverage, meanwhile we haven’t heard a single peep about the bowl of treats on top of the fridge.”
Zeus, Saint Bernard
“Look at my big droopy cheeks! Awwwww. Sorry what was the question?”
Blimpie, Mastiff
“Were there sausages involved? Maybe it’s not right, but we tend to look the other way when there’s sausages involved. We’re never thinking straight when they’re near.”
Michael Shannon, Actor
“Hello. Bark, bark.”
Daisy, Golden Retriever
“I’m sorry. I’m in heat so I’m too horny to think about this. I’m going to go lie down and moan in the corner.”
Oli, Daschund
“Dogs reflect their owners. Which makes sense based on how many times Joe Biden has bitten his Secret Service agents.”
Max, German Shepherd
“This is really the human’s fault for being made out of meat.”
Vinnie, Pit Mix
“You ever seen da Sopranos? So cool. I would bite Richie Aprile right in da jewels.”
Cleo, Pinscher
“Frankly, they should put Biden down.”
Poppy, Basset Hound
“This is nothing compared to the time he dug up all of Arlington National Cemetery.”
