After numerous requests for the records and an FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, the Justice Department believes Donald Trump still has documents that belong in the National Archives. The Onion gives a rundown of exactly which ones the former president has yet to return.
Map Of The United States
Gives the currently undisclosed locations of every state and major city in the country, the leaking of which could prove catastrophic if the information fell into the wrong hands.
Presidential Onboarding Paperwork
It turns out Trump never completed the proper forms from HR to legally become president.
GE JES1072SHSS Microwave Instruction Manual
Trump believed these were heavily guarded state secrets, but in fact they were just instructions for how to use a microwave.
White House Taco Dip Recipe
There is only one copy, and it’s handwritten, making it even more vulnerable.
Letter Trump Wrote To Himself On The First Day Of His Presidency
This was supposed to be opened in 10 years so he could see how much he’d grown up.
Printout Of Hamburger Meat
Who knows why the fuck Trump did this, but it belongs to the American public.
Blueprints For Something Called ‘Space World’
There are actually some cool ideas in there.
Farrah Fawcett Poster
The iconic poster that’s hung on the back of the Oval Office door since the Carter years has been missing and is probably in Trump’s possession.
Nails
The federal government can’t finish renovating a number of offices without those nails.
Ceremonial ‘Yeah, I’m The President’ T-Shirt
Presidents from George Washington onward have enjoyed the use of a presidential T-shirt that reads “Yeah, I’m the president” on the front and “Deal with it” on the back.
Box Of Folders Labeled ‘Treason Stuff’
In retrospect, it was a mistake for Trump to submit this to the National Archives in the first place.
The ‘About Me’ Homework Assignment Every President Takes Home The First Day Of Being President
They know the dog didn’t eat his homework since he doesn’t have one, so they assume the document has been flushed down the toilet.
$4 Belonging To The Treasury Department
Has added at least $4 to the federal deficit.
Ivanka’s Conversion Papers
It’s unclear why the National Archives wanted these, but Trump insisted on keeping them just in case someone accused him of hating the Jews.
The Platt Amendment
Trump, like any American, wanted to familiarize himself with U.S. foreign policy interests in the wake of the Spanish-American War.
‘How To Hang Mike Pence’ Instructions
Apparently, Trump is still holding on to the in-depth, illustrated guide on hanging Mike Pence just in case the former vice president crosses him again.
Parking Stub
If the former president thinks the White House valet will return his car without a ticket, he’d better think again.
Trump’s Kenyan Birth Certificate
Obama could never get his hands on this.
