Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

DALLAS—According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest. “After analyzing data from the past 30 years, we found that when someone experiences heart failure, the most common reaction is fairly mundane; there’s unfortunately no stumbling around the room or frantic straining to enunciate the words ‘having…heart…attack.’ Typically, the person merely winces and slumps over in place until paramedics arrive,” said AHA spokesman Dr. Phillip Trainor, who also noted with disappointment that it is extremely rare for victims seated at dinner tables or restaurants to gasp loudly before falling face-first into a plate of food. “As few as one in 10 victims even rigidly extend one arm out in front of them, much less reach out for support and accidentally knock several books and framed photos from a shelf or mantle before falling to the ground themselves.” Trainor went on to compare heart attack sufferers to electrocution victims, stating that in most cases, such individuals do not levitate with their limbs fully splayed and their skeletons visible to onlookers for nearly long enough.