DNC Attendees Set Massive Wooden Donkey Ablaze To Ensure 4 More Years Of Liberal Rule

CHICAGO—Circling around the 100-foot-tall ceremonial mascot as the sharp beat of drums echoed, attendees of the Democratic National Convention reportedly set a massive wooden donkey ablaze outside the United Center Thursday to ensure four more years of liberal rule. “Accept this holy sacrifice, O gods, and hear our slightly-left-of-center pleas!” chanted nude Iowa delegate Phil Shepler, his voice rising in unison with more than 50,000 of his fellow Democrats as they joined arms and reveled in the glow of the towering flames, expressing hope the burning plywood donkey that now filled the arena with billowing smoke would earn their party the favor of electoral deities. “Hear us, O successful nominees gone before us! Hear us, FDR, Truman, JFK, LBJ, and—though you’re not quite there yet—Carter. We humbly entreat the heavens to accept the soul of this donkey so that we may be provided with another term of Democratic rule, preferably with control of Congress, too.” At press time, sources confirmed the remains of Joe Biden had been found amid the ashes left on the arena floor, the weary and disoriented president having reportedly fallen asleep inside the wooden donkey after mistaking it for an Amtrak express to Wilmington.