The Beating Heart Inside Epcot’s Geosphere
This giant 150-foot organ pumps out the blood that nourishes the attractions throughout the futuristic park.
Drugs
You can get as high as you want in the parking lot before going in and there’s nothing they can do about it.
Your Childhood Is Over And You Will Never Return To That State Of Joyful Innocence
Spooky!
Forced Perspective
Disney Imagineers use this trick to make buildings look way bigger than they are, but if you get up close, you’ll notice Cinderella’s castle is only 5 inches tall.
Disney’s Famous Churros Created By Nazi Engineer
Disney’s version of the sugary pastries was developed by Fritz Von Essen in accordance with missile designs he used for German fighter jets during WWII.
The Draft
Every park patron who turns 18 will be required to serve in the Disney Military, serving its interests at both domestic parks and abroad.
Ariel’s Grotto
This hidden gem boasts the only potable water for miles.
Everyone Dies At Disneyland
Contrary to its “Happiest Place On Earth” slogan, no visitor to the park has ever survived, including hundreds who escaped only to be hunted down later.
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride
Contrary to its title, this ride is boring as fuck.
Closed On Hitler’s Birthday
While Walt Disney’s alleged antisemitism has never been proven, his decision to close all his parks on April 20 has always raised eyebrows.
Abuse
Cast members have reported being hit, kicked, shoved, and even bit by Disney executives visiting the parks.
There Are No Kroger Supermarkets Within Disney World’s Limits
One of the most reliable supermarkets isn’t good enough for Disney apparently, although they’ll never say it to your face.
Daisy Duck Is The Only Mascot Without An Actress Inside
Instead, the suit is occupied by 20 gallons of mild vegetarian chili.
Thomas Pynchon
Though not publicized in order to respect his privacy, the reclusive author of V. and Gravity’s Rainbow can often be seen enjoying a Conjurita at the AbracadaBar on Disney’s Boardwalk.
Federal Marshals
An armed, undercover marshal is present on every roller coaster cart just in case anything goes wrong mid-ride.
The Park Is Free For Sex Offenders
Disney would hate if you knew, but anyone registered in the United States as a sex offender is allowed in free every single day of the year, whether they’ve served jail time or not.
Goofy
A creature known as “Goofy” can frequently be seen roaming the parks despite having no known connection to the Disney brand.
The Walls Of Cinderella’s Castle Will Inexplicably Start Seeping Blood
No one knows why this happens.
Prohibitive Cost
In order to save up enough money to visit Disney World, the average American child would have to incessantly beg their parents to take them there for six to eight months.
Joy Can Be Found In Any Moment Of Your Life
Put aside your phone. Close your laptop. Look out at the green grass, the stunning sky. Breathe in the clean air. This is your life. This very instant is as rich and wild with mystery as any other moment. You don’t need to be riding the Beaver Brothers Explorer Canoes to feel this way. You can have it now.
