After months of repeated attacks from Gov. Ron DeSantis of Florida, The Onion asked Disney World employees how they felt about it, and this is what they said.
Matt Short, Ride Operator
“I’ve heard ‘It’s A Small World’ 74,849 times, so I can handle pretty much anything.”
Lauren Braunston, Ride Operator
“Luckily, I don’t have to worry about it anymore because I’m getting laid off.”
Becky MacGregor, Cinderella
“No! Don’t show my face out of character! They’ll kill me!”
Bob Iger, CEO
“Without it, I wouldn’t have gotten my job back and gotten to do the thing I love the most: firing people! So I can’t thank him enough!”
Trevor Ballin, Parking Attendant
“The Mouse has raised a glistening kingdom from the swamp and commands an empire on which the sun never sets. What can an upjumped tax collector say to the legions of the Mouse? We hear but a breeze.”
Renee Harrison, Tower of Terror Bellhop
“He’s a fool to forget who really chooses the next president.”
Harrison Cutler, Custodian
“If only he knew cis kids and trans kids all puke funnel cake the same.”
Samantha Bodine, Ariel
“This is already the most miserable, joyless place on earth, so I don’t see how he could possibly make it any worse.”
Melanie Hothan, Concession Worker
“I’m actually nervous about provoking a guy who might run for president but is probably gonna peter out embarrassingly.”
Chuck Freeman, Mickey Mouse
“Come for me, DeSantis. I will drink your blood and bathe in your children’s fear.”
Silas Bennett, Goofy
“Governor DeSantis’ actions are an obvious overreach of executive power and a clear sign that the GOP has abandoned its principles of small government and noninterference in business, HYUCK, HYUCK!”
Kayla Fayder, Disney College Program
“Someone seems bitter they didn’t get into the Disney College Program.”
Ethan O’Sullivan, Baker
“Feuding with the happiest place on earth is an embarrassingly unimaginative means of establishing yourself as a villain.”
Rascal, Dolphin
“Eee-eee-eeeeeee-ee.”
Candice Palermo, Audio Technician
“Surely, there’s a powerless minority group he can persecute instead.”
Fernanda Burns, Ride Technician
“I don’t see how he can call us woke with our rich history of antisemitism.”
Francis Lesseder, Remy
“I invite Ron to meet me in the sewers so we can settle this like men.”
