Disney Wins Emmy For Best Profits

LOS ANGELES—Taking home the evening’s top award for its stunning achievement in maximizing revenue while reducing costs, the Walt Disney Co. won the Emmy award for Best Profits on Monday night. “Thank you to all the numbers that made this award possible!” said CEO Bob Chapek, singling out Disney’s earnings per share, net income, profit margin, and market capitalization for contributing to the company’s success over the past year. “Far from inspiring us to take risks on new and challenging work, this win gives us even more motivation to green-light stale, rehashed content that can be churned out as a mass-market commodity and provide us with a known quantity we can plug into a spreadsheet. To every little boy and girl out there watching, let this Emmy serve as proof that you, too, can grow up to enrich shareholders by posting quarterly earnings reports with really big numbers on them.” Following an afterparty held at downtown L.A.’s Otium, insiders confirmed Disney was in talks to make even bigger profits.