Disney Installs Animatronic Christian Missionaries To Convert Natives On Jungle Cruise Ride

ORLANDO—In an effort to update its attractions for the current era, Disney announced Thursday that it would be installing animatronic Christian missionaries to convert natives on the Jungle Cruise ride. “We understand that people have been offended by these Christless savages, which is why we’re taking immediate steps to ensure they’re given the chance to change their heathen ways and bask in the light of Jesus,” said Disney’s Head Of Parks Josh D’Amaro, telling reporters that he had instructed the Imagineering team to comply with modern sensibilities by adding a cast of British baptists who would shame and castigate the natives for their sinful life of wanton carnality. “We’re hopeful Disney visitors of all ages will be able to enjoy this thrilling new story arc where the missionaries burn the natives’ idols, force them to wear western clothing, and slaughter those engaging in sodomy without fear of having to encounter outmoded stereotypes.” D’Amaro added that designers were also hard at work adding a scene to Disneyland’s Alice In Wonderland ride where the Mad Hatter is finally committed to a sanitarium.