Despondent Congressman Gerrymanders Self Into Own Isolated District

WASHINGTON—Sighing heavily as he sealed himself inside the meandering political boundary, despondent congressman Rep. Dan Bishop (R-NC) reportedly gerrymandered himself into his own isolated district Wednesday, sources confirmed. “I’m fine, I just need to govern myself for a while,” said the Republican lawmaker from the ninth district of North Carolina, breaking the news to his constituents that he would no longer be representing them, or anyone for that matter, as he dejectedly sectioned himself off into what he morosely deemed the “Loneliest District.” “This way I won’t be letting the good people of North Carolina down, since I’m always disappointing them anyway. In fact, I’m probably better off consolidating power all by my lonesome. Not like anyone cares.” At press time, Bishop had reportedly replied to a voting rights group’s concerns by insisting that he simply wanted to be left alone.