Desperate Employer Offers Basic Dignity To Incentivize New Hires

BOSTON—Calling the benefit the only way to lure employees back into the workforce following the pandemic, local employer Apex Insurance announced Wednesday that it would begin offering basic dignity as an incentive for new hires. “Frankly, we don’t have the resources to hand out respect to every new hire, but if what’s needed is a perk like acknowledging that our employees are human beings rather than profit-producing cogs, then we’ll do it,” said Apex CEO Brandon Chenoweth, noting that the suite of basic decency benefits would include not actively degrading workers in front of their faces, openly speaking to them about the company’s problems as if they were adults, and even occasionally crediting them for their own work. “It was astonishing to see the number of potential employees in this post-Covid environment who turned down job offers simply because I acted like they were a literal piece of garbage whose fate rested in my palm. That’s new, and it shows that the pandemic is going to require some real inventiveness to get them back in the door and working like mules to boost our bottom line.” Chenoweth added that he hoped once the job market stabilized in a few months he would soon get back to treating his employees like absolute dogshit.