Department Of Agriculture Warns Of 37% Decline In Soybean Yield Following Stillborn Birth Of Albino Calf

WASHINGTON—Advising farmers to ward off potential famine by burning 10 slaughtered goats in a cross on their fields, the Department of Agriculture warned Friday that 2021 would see a 37% decline the soybean harvest following reports of an albino calf being stillborn in rural Idaho. “This is an ominous portent, combined with the dead crows dropping from the sky in North Dakota, we expect not only soybeans, but also corn and alfalfa could experience a massive crop failure in the coming year,” said Deputy Secretary Stephen Censky, who took the podium in a robe of heron feathers and drank a brew of raw oats, sheep’s milk, and cow urine to help ward off any demonic energy corrupting the nation’s cropland. “Worse yet, the farmer who delivered the stillborn calf spotted a solitary owl perched on a branch outside his barn, marking the cursed occasion with a single damning call. Soon, the cool rivers will turn to burning acrid pools, and our dairy supply will be threatened as cows go mad and stampede to their deaths. This could cut agribusiness earnings as much as 60% in the third quarter.” At press time, Censky was urging all Americans to burn any unmarried women over the age of 40, lest there be a witch in our midst.