Democrats Panic After Kamala Harris Ages 40 Years In Single Night

WASHINGTON—Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. “What the hell happened to her? She was only 59 yesterday,” the visibly distraught DNC chair Jaime Harrison said after the party’s new presumptive nominee began to ask him who he was and then trailed off, her cloudy eyes glossing over beneath a wisp of stark-white hair and her skin now wrinkled and liver-spotted. “She’s been rambling about all kinds of nonsense, and she keeps calling everyone “buster.” No, Madam Vice President, I’m not your stepson, and I’m not here to take you back to California. Goddammit, she’s too far gone to even formulate a coherent argument for abortion rights. Someone better call [California Gov. Gavin] Newsom and make sure he still remembers his own name.” At press time, sources confirmed prominent members of the party had been instructed to quickly shift their support to a spry, cogent 31-year-old Joe Biden, who had somehow de-aged 50 years overnight.