Del Monte Introduces New Extended-Release, Maximum-Strength Peaches

WALNUT CREEK, CA—Touting their new product as “the last word in alleviating hunger,” Del Monte Foods introduced a new extended-release, maximum-strength chewable peach Wednesday which they claim possesses up to four times the power of normal stone fruit. “Del Monte’s new formula combines the same fast-acting flavor of our traditional peaches with concentrated vitamins and nutrients, allowing diners to experience stronger peach benefits for a longer time,” said Del Monte spokesperson Dora Valencia in a press conference, further claiming that the maximum-strength peaches’ proprietary blend of fortified peach extracts will directly target the stomach in order to quell hankerings for up to 12 hours. “This is, hands down, the toughest peach on the market when it comes to battling low blood sugar, but it’s also gentle enough to use for any fruit-related cravings suffered by anyone over the age of 8. Each dose comes in a self-contained package of heavy syrup, providing immediate relief from stomach grumbling, while the extended-release component ensures you experience a nice, steady dose of peaches all day long.” Valencia further noted that, while the product has in fact received FDA-approval, those experiencing peach juice dribbling down their chin for more than two hours should contact a physician.