‘Damn You’ Shouts Contact Tracer Losing Track Of Coronavirus After It Catches Hold Of Helicopter’s Ladder

LOS ANGELES— Shaking his first from the roof of an office building, contact tracer Calvin Rosen reportedly shouted “Damn you” Friday after losing track of the coronavirus after it caught hold of a passing helicopter’s ladder. “Son of a bitch, I’ll track you down one day!” said Rosen, who threw his mask to the ground in anger and pulled out a walkie-talkie while watching the virus he thought he had finally cornered ascend to safety inside the unmarked military chopper. “I lost it! Dammit. Put out an APB! And hurry! We’re going to head that bastard off on the interstate. I’m going to show him he’s not the only one that can go airborne.” At press time, Rosen dove off the parking garage roof and landed in a crouching pose on top of a passing semi truck that just happened to be going the same direction as the helicopter.