D.C. Lobbyists Pay Senators 5 Bucks To Fight Each Other

WASHINGTON—Looking for a fun diversion on a boring Wednesday afternoon, a group of high-powered D.C. lobbyists reportedly paid a couple senators five bucks to fight each other. “Here it is, a crisp fiver to the winner—now fight, you fucking losers,” said U.S. Chamber of Commerce CEO Suzanne Clark as members of Ernst and Young, BGR Group, and several other lobbying firms formed a circle around bruised, bloody-knuckled Sens. Ron Johnson (R-WI) and Chuck Schumer (D-NY). “Anything goes, okay? Scratching, biting, kneeing each other in the balls. Do whatever you want, we don’t give a fuck. Whoever wins this brawl can use this five bucks for their reelection campaign or a pet project in their district. But you can’t stop till we say so. Jesus, you guys are so fucking pathetic. This is worse than the time we gave [Sen. Tommy] Tuberville (R-AL) 25 cents to eat dog shit. Okay, let’s make this more interesting. An extra dollar for every good eye-gouge you can get.” At press time, sources confirmed Sen. Tim Kaine (D-VA) had been beaten to death and the lobbyists were posing for pictures with his corpse.