Crypto Leaders Call For Infusion Of 20 Million Dopes To Stabilize Market

BOSTON—Stressing that the move would help keep digital currencies liquid through the coming year, crypto leaders called for an infusion of 20 million dopes Thursday to stabilize the market. “We’re calling for millions of bozos to be infused into the crypto market to stave off collapse and assure investors their money is safe,” said Circle CEO Jeremy Allaire, who along with other industry leaders stressed that a significant investment of chumps was urgently needed to lend confidence to exchanges of top currencies such as Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Tether. “Of course, we’re also hoping to eventually offset risk by diversifying into galoots, simpletons, and outright morons. But the important thing now is to get many, many more idiots confused enough to believe they have any chance in hell of making money off this grift.” Allaire noted that if a diverse range of dumbasses was not available, he was also considering propping up the industry by minting a single billionaire numbskull.