While it’s bad enough that Airbnb hosts often observe guests with hidden cameras or view their online activity, The Onion’s investigative reporters discovered the creepiest and most disturbing ways that Airbnb owners are spying on you.
By Sitting Naked In A Corner And Refusing To Leave
Although they’re explicitly banned from doing so, many Airbnb owners will place themselves fully nude in an armchair in the corner and watch you during your entire stay.
Hiring Your Significant Other To Date You 10 Years Prior To Traveling
You might not know it, but the partner you’re traveling with may have actually been hired by your Airbnb host to spy on you for decades before you even rent their property.
Repeatedly Saying They Forgot Something In Their House Every 30 Seconds For Several Days In A Row
Chances are, they didn’t forget over 2,000 separate items in their house for just a night-long stay.
Hiring A Caricature Artist To Draw You Throughout The Weekend
Yes, your head might be cartoonishly large compared to your body in every sketch, but that’s still private information they’re stealing without consent.
Hiring Frank Luntz, PI To Track You
Just his luck. The worst goddamned storm in Baltimore history and this jamoke waltzes into his office with a job from hell: All he wants to do is get back home to Molly and a snifter of that malt whiskey he got in lieu of payment for the O’Sullivan assignment. But his caseload is drier than the Mojave, so he polishes off his snub-nosed, throws on his slicker, and heads out into all that cold and all that rain. It’s a son of a bitch of a life to live for Luntz, but it’s the only one he has.
Clambering Onto Your Back And Making You Carry Them Around The Room
Read your terms of service—nowhere in the Airbnb rental agreement does it say you have to let them ride around just because they tug on your shirtsleeve and say “uppeeees!”
Peering Through The Holes Cut In The Eyes Of The Oil Painting Of Their Dowager Grandmother
You might think it’s just another phantom or ghost, but those eyes moving while you discuss the supposed haunting of this Airbnb could be the owner tracking you!
Putting A Camera Into Your Asshole
Inserting a lubricated endoscopic camera into your anus may seem innocent enough at first, but it’s actually a clear violation of your rental agreement if they keep it running after you leave the property.
Telepathy
As many Airbnb guests are becoming more privy to being spied on in their physical space, more hosts are opting to train themselves in ESP in order to infiltrate their guest’s minds.
Asking Any Personal Questions Whatsoever
That’s much more information than they need to know.
Dressing Up Like A Houseplant
Make sure to watch out for 6-foot-tall daffodils that cough every once in a while.
By Raising You As Their Child
Think back to your childhood, think back long and hard. Recognize anyone? That’s right, your Airbnb hosts taking you to soccer practice, photographing you on prom night, and cheering for you at graduation. Creepy much?
Hiring A 40-
Just because you’re staying at their luxury mansion doesn’t give your Airbnb host the right to film you week after week as you embark on a journey of the heart to finally find your Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.
Being The Ghost Haunting The Airb
Just because they died in this manor 100 years ago doesn’t give them the right to just walk through the bedroom walls when a guest is trying to sleep.
