After fatally shooting two men at a Black Lives Matter protest in Kenosha, WI, Kyle Rittenhouse quickly rocketed to fame as a hero within the right-wing media. The Onion asked conservatives why they support the controversial figure, and this is what they said.
Ed Keene, Carpenter
“He murdered a couple of people, for starters.”
Haley Adams, Student
“It feels nice to rally around a young conservative man for a reason that isn’t protecting him from rape allegations.”
Dan Crenshaw, U.S. Representative
“I support anyone who pretends to write a book.”
Irene Peña, Sewer Worker
“All he did was exercise his constitutional right to murder liberals.”
Maria Robels, Lawyer
“Considering Black Lives Matter killed over 2 million people in Kenosha alone, I would say his actions were justified.”
Henry Stamford, Unemployed
“No college wants me either.”
Geena Carter, Guidance Counselor
“I want teenagers to feel confident enough to open fire on a crowd of civilians without feeling self-conscious.”
Shane Cohn, Accountant
“He’s not afraid to kill what we’re all thinking about.”
Ben Shapiro, Commentator
“I support everyone in the smug little prick community.”
Jason Dothem, Account Manager
“It gets a lot of people to comment on my Facebook status.”
Kim Bevers, Housewife
“He reminds me of my weird, violent son.”
Curtis Carney, Teacher
“He proved you don’t have to be a Buffalo Bills running back or star in The Naked Gun to get away with killing two people.”
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, Unemployed
“Kid’s got potential.”
Phyllis Doherty, Cellist
“The world needed a younger, whiter George Zimmerman.”
Lisa Penny, Marketing Manager
“He showed incredible restraint by only killing two people with an AR-15 when he clearly could have killed more.”
Stephen Miller, Former Presidential Advisor
“There’s something about crossing state lines to terrorize a population that I really relate to.”
Sam Warren, Car Salesman
“I saw what he did to the last few guys who didn’t support him.”
