The Onion asked conservatives why they fear the fetid hellhole that is the five boroughs of New York City, and this is what they said.
Chelsea Whitlock (Pet Groomer)
“What if I get mugged by someone who isn’t white?”
Yolanda Stilter (Uber Driver)
“Four words: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”
Micah Berman (Financial Analyst)
“It’s just too easy to accidentally wander into a bad area, establish yourself as a high-level drug lord, get into a beef with your rivals, and become another victim of gang violence.”
Charlie Perkins (Carpenter)
“There might be a third plane that’s been waiting for the right time to strike.”
Mildred Bishop (Stay-At-Home Mom)
“They never caught that Seinfeld guy.”
Andrew Yang (Co-Chair, Forward Party)
“Those animals will tear your mayoral campaign apart.”
George Reynolds (Lawyer)
“Those NYU kids will stop at nothing to cast you in their play.”
Mandy Gibbs (Bartender)
“My cousin went to New York, and nothing at all happened to him, which just proved how lucky he was.”
Bradley Davison (Boat Mechanic)
“The Brooklyn Bridge beat me up! The A train stole my wallet! The Statue of Liberty spit on me! Yankee Stadium got fentanyl on me! I’ll never go back to New York!”
Sidney Ng (Marketing Manager)
“Fourteen bucks for a cocktail during happy hour.”
Cassandra Pratt (Librarian)
“If it weren’t for the Statue of Liberty welcoming immigrants, this country would still be populated by its indigenous white people.”
Michael Kerry (Accountant)
“Every moment you spend in New York City you run the risk of being assaulted by spicy food.”
Jordan Peterson (Media Personality)
“An obsession with public transportation is a sign of fascism. That’s why Mussolini always rode the subway.”
Karl Dunkin (Plumber)
“No one seems to be worried about the giant green lady with the torch. What if she drops it and sets the city on fire?”
Zack Palmer (Lineworker)
“Many people there are better looking than me.”
Paul Spelman (Graphic Designer)
“Alec Baldwin.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene (U.S. Representative)
“Jews.”
Vickie McIntyre (Receptionist)
“The profound immodesty of the Statue of Liberty.”
Matty Kemple (Bartender)
“Tall buildings acting like they’re better than me.”
Patrick Falk (Farmer)
“The pigeons have no fear. They just walk up to you like they want to fight. It’s unnatural…”
Marina Fritz (Cashier)
“It’s a violent, lawless sewer of aspiring Broadway actors, many of whom are triple threats.”
Lindsey Graham (U.S. Senator)
“The drag queens are ruthless and won’t hesitate to rip into you for even the tiniest fashion slip-up.”
Ted Armstrong (Maintenance Worker)
“I haven’t really thought about it, and that’s just exactly how I’d like to keep it.”
Ted Cruz (U.S. Senator)
“They boo me everywhere.”
