The Onion asked conservatives why they fear the fetid hellhole that is the five boroughs of New York City, and this is what they said.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/428f8bc9faec7665aee465ef72becbb5.jpg)
Chelsea Whitlock (Pet Groomer)
“What if I get mugged by someone who isn’t white?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/3033bf2cefc0851f515efd04491ab701.jpg)
Yolanda Stilter (Uber Driver)
“Four words: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/dc90d882b84434b18c52eca8ff1812c1.jpg)
Micah Berman (Financial Analyst)
“It’s just too easy to accidentally wander into a bad area, establish yourself as a high-level drug lord, get into a beef with your rivals, and become another victim of gang violence.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/6a25b9434cab5d6682268a313fda833b.jpg)
Charlie Perkins (Carpenter)
“There might be a third plane that’s been waiting for the right time to strike.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/296c10d95a57590769597c5a9b300a85.jpg)
Mildred Bishop (Stay-At-Home Mom)
“They never caught that Seinfeld guy.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/decce39ec03ef0714752eb7e1cb82d0c.jpg)
Andrew Yang (Co-Chair, Forward Party)
“Those animals will tear your mayoral campaign apart.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/c16c73e631e34019aba9682914102be2.jpg)
George Reynolds (Lawyer)
“Those NYU kids will stop at nothing to cast you in their play.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/90a0def6e0fa57f66ce08464d3531609.jpg)
Mandy Gibbs (Bartender)
“My cousin went to New York, and nothing at all happened to him, which just proved how lucky he was.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/c3f50ad757f572c2d6ae096634b111ac.jpg)
Bradley Davison (Boat Mechanic)
“The Brooklyn Bridge beat me up! The A train stole my wallet! The Statue of Liberty spit on me! Yankee Stadium got fentanyl on me! I’ll never go back to New York!”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/848185fa9045b0f6f1d9bf118a7fba54.jpg)
Sidney Ng (Marketing Manager)
“Fourteen bucks for a cocktail during happy hour.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/4c86d46fd717ac0ef5c4fbee2ff432c7.jpg)
Cassandra Pratt (Librarian)
“If it weren’t for the Statue of Liberty welcoming immigrants, this country would still be populated by its indigenous white people.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/15739c04e7b41f599caaa46bcf1c48be.jpg)
Michael Kerry (Accountant)
“Every moment you spend in New York City you run the risk of being assaulted by spicy food.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/9b84a50477913c6cb4d3e5215de619ff.jpg)
Jordan Peterson (Media Personality)
“An obsession with public transportation is a sign of fascism. That’s why Mussolini always rode the subway.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/833681cca17e7e92376f6e0a326df02e.jpg)
Karl Dunkin (Plumber)
“No one seems to be worried about the giant green lady with the torch. What if she drops it and sets the city on fire?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/97107011d71707ccd40bb4e3f07ecd23.jpg)
Zack Palmer (Lineworker)
“Many people there are better looking than me.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/feb5c91aa84ff3de549992d2b1ba68a4.jpg)
Paul Spelman (Graphic Designer)
“Alec Baldwin.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/f6ad2e66c1a25f92f5836b1fce870b7b.jpg)
Marjorie Taylor Greene (U.S. Representative)
“Jews.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/580bcc5cba5abf0e8a35024eef516f16.jpg)
Vickie McIntyre (Receptionist)
“The profound immodesty of the Statue of Liberty.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/ef964e48cafc66b6a5bef842de51efeb.jpg)
Matty Kemple (Bartender)
“Tall buildings acting like they’re better than me.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/42f6d83b52f2ef7df5e8409434f62c23.jpg)
Patrick Falk (Farmer)
“The pigeons have no fear. They just walk up to you like they want to fight. It’s unnatural…”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/3a4b245bb33edabca0fc6c66bd6c9793.jpg)
Marina Fritz (Cashier)
“It’s a violent, lawless sewer of aspiring Broadway actors, many of whom are triple threats.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/6c1ef7ab863f92f0a405b18132fc7e29.jpg)
Lindsey Graham (U.S. Senator)
“The drag queens are ruthless and won’t hesitate to rip into you for even the tiniest fashion slip-up.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/34d8861c69e343b0966486c2c5f05a93.jpg)
Ted Armstrong (Maintenance Worker)
“I haven’t really thought about it, and that’s just exactly how I’d like to keep it.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/edddee606f96a656c39767e8d074ffa3.jpg)
Ted Cruz (U.S. Senator)
“They boo me everywhere.”