Since Jan. 6, 2021, many Trump supporters have been preparing to wage war against the U.S. government. The Onion asked conservatives why they are preparing for a civil war, and this is what they said.
Ryan Williams (Mechanic)
“We have no choice. The Constitution clearly states that the South shall rise again.”
Lee Skillman (Magazine Editor)
“It would just be nice to have a civil war we could teach about and not bring up slavery.”
Jeffrey Gunnell (Software Developer)
“I recently killed someone, and if the war comes soon enough, I’m hoping it can just get lumped in.”
Vicki Dupree (Skin Care Specialist)
“Um, something about George Soros and immigrants or—hold on, I have it written down somewhere.”
Bo Rhodes (Carpenter)
“I feel like carnage on a national scale might shake things up a little.”
Oscar Torres (Data Scientist)
“It’s either prepare for a civil war or try to get out there and date again.”
Travis Kutterman (Furniture Salesman)
“I’ve got some vacation days saved up.”
Gina Lopez (Personal Assistant)
“It’d help me get my steps in.”
Terry Brown (Dentist)
“If I’ve learned one thing from watching the modern Democratic Party operate, it’s that they’re an uncompromising faction working in perfect harmony, and they’ll do anything to accomplish their goals.”
Dennis Robels (Network Administrator)
“Not really sure. I’ll probably just do it until the NFL regular season starts.”
Scott Windmire (Superintendent)
“Oh, this isn’t for a civil war. I’ve always had this many guns.”
Jason Iuppa (Bank Teller)
“Just because you fantasize over something so much it becomes your entire personality doesn’t mean you want it to happen.”
Peter McGuire (Marketing Executive)
“You can only bomb so many Middle Eastern countries before you eventually start bombing your own.”
Guy Arnold (Bus Driver)
“When I was a child, the government forced me to learn to read, and I can’t unlearn that. That’s tyranny.”
Greg Abbott (Governor of Texas)
“If regular war is good for the economy, a civil war must be twice as good.”
Gregory Hayes (Raytheon CEO)
“I’m rock hard just thinking about the profit we’d make.”
Tucker Carlson (Fox News Host)
“My ratings have been way up. So that’s not a great sign.”
Megan Grindle (Antiques Dealer)
“We need new statues.”
Clyde Dugan (Contractor)
“It’s just easier to go to war again than take down my Confederate flag.”
Lori Welch (Video Rental Cashier)
“I really don’t see any solution to this other than us getting killed by the government.”
