Many Republican presidential candidates and members of Congress have called for U.S. military intervention to stop the flow of fentanyl from Mexico. The Onion asked conservatives why the United States should invade Mexico, and this is what they said.
Candice Thomas, Graphic Designer
“Why be the most powerful nation in the world if you’re not going to abuse it?”
Dylan Weinrib, Electrician
“What other choice do we have outside of investing in our own people?”
Rory Lamont, Bank Teller
“We must do it for our closest ally, the Spanish Empire.”
Sharon Keates, HR Manager
“There isn’t enough blood of innocents in the streets when I go visit my time-share.”
Hellen Thurman, Hairstylist
“I hear they’re hoarding all the best fentanyl for themselves.”
Stan Gargano, Little League Baseball Coach
“I ate an enchilada and it gave me heartburn.”
Lake Gallagher, Electrician
“When a country is your main trading partner, invading it is just common sense.”
Wells Bacote, Bartender
“They already have so much violence down there. We just have an obligation as Americans to make it worse.”
Trevor Rouhoff, Audio Engineer
“Condoleezza Rice told me Mexico has WMDs.”
Edgar Benson, Claims Adjuster
“My motto has always been kill first, think later.”
Joan Aakers, Personal Trainer
“I’ll take any excuse to visit Tulum!”
Agent Patrick Duncan, U.S. Border Patrol
“Why just kill people at the border when there’s a whole country full of them on the other side?”
Brandon Jones, Marketing Director
“They deserve to pay for dumping Texas on us.”
Anna Skoggard, Stay-At-Home Mom
“The American people have been very good little boys and girls. Don’t you think they’ve earned a war?”
Isaac Rao, Day Trader
“Every time a poor person dies I get $100, so I say do it.”
Greg Paduch, Computer Programmer
“I drew a cartoon of Saddam Hussein wearing a sombrero and I got scared.”
Yannis Scott, Pawnbroker
“If the United States isn’t actively invading someplace for no reason, this country isn’t doing it’s job.”
Marc Ericson, ICE Agent
“I would love the opportunity to take all this torture I’ve been workshopping on tour.”
Chris Whittley, Restaurant Owner
“El Chapo keeps popping up in my lawn like a gopher and I can’t kill the fucker.”
Cpl. Bill Shah, U.S. Marine
“The commute would be so easy.”
Michael Davis, Architect
“We haven’t gotten a great modern war movie since Zero Dark Thirty.”
Myles Ray, Television Producer
“It would be interesting to see how we’d fuck that one up too.”
Ken Atwell, Accountant
“It’s the only way to stop the cartel from prescribing opioids.”
Jeff O’Hara, Cactus Hobbyist
“Right now it’s illegal for me to take clippings from the protected Mexican wildlife, but if I enlisted, passed boot camp in record time, was immediately deployed to the front lines, somehow survived, and went AWOL, I could probably sneak a few rare varieties of saguaro back, which would finally impress the other guys in my local cactus-growing group.”
Col. Ron Greenburg, U.S. Army
“Well, we got a little trigger-happy and already started.”
Kelly Brandeis, Teen
“Get out of my room! God, don’t you ever knock?”
Nancy Fix, Phlebotomist
“We warned them to speak English, and they didn’t listen.”
