Many Republican presidential candidates and members of Congress have called for U.S. military intervention to stop the flow of fentanyl from Mexico. The Onion asked conservatives why the United States should invade Mexico, and this is what they said.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/4030ae5544ae0ca281f4b53b65dd45e2.jpg)
Candice Thomas, Graphic Designer
“Why be the most powerful nation in the world if you’re not going to abuse it?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/1f63cf675a76de056bc27f0f51cb5df0.jpg)
Dylan Weinrib, Electrician
“What other choice do we have outside of investing in our own people?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/cf5c3d04f3df62564bcbd32f727cb1f6.jpg)
Rory Lamont, Bank Teller
“We must do it for our closest ally, the Spanish Empire.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/9e1291c205ba0130dd929c69ec94a38c.jpg)
Sharon Keates, HR Manager
“There isn’t enough blood of innocents in the streets when I go visit my time-share.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/829c01973705ffa2532d73668c4ed4e3.jpg)
Hellen Thurman, Hairstylist
“I hear they’re hoarding all the best fentanyl for themselves.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/85871163bd49264f007a7049e8af0c13.png)
Stan Gargano, Little League Baseball Coach
“I ate an enchilada and it gave me heartburn.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/720cccc17f26c2e450386c39a3bf171e.png)
Lake Gallagher, Electrician
“When a country is your main trading partner, invading it is just common sense.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/737c0f7aa9d759c57b5a657f2ab37a23.jpg)
Wells Bacote, Bartender
“They already have so much violence down there. We just have an obligation as Americans to make it worse.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/49c8f5ab3c9d031a12d0bcba5fedf85f.png)
Trevor Rouhoff, Audio Engineer
“Condoleezza Rice told me Mexico has WMDs.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/a772d0dd75ef4922a069a199e09dbf9c.jpg)
Edgar Benson, Claims Adjuster
“My motto has always been kill first, think later.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/0f6d4009a8dcefade7a27666e200fca6.png)
Joan Aakers, Personal Trainer
“I’ll take any excuse to visit Tulum!”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/d9dd84cb23b9b2e2f9ff1afafdb95a80.png)
Agent Patrick Duncan, U.S. Border Patrol
“Why just kill people at the border when there’s a whole country full of them on the other side?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/e3334a31b7344e9c3dab94035901aac2.png)
Brandon Jones, Marketing Director
“They deserve to pay for dumping Texas on us.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/0609c540970be647c9edc4bb833cbb82.png)
Anna Skoggard, Stay-At-Home Mom
“The American people have been very good little boys and girls. Don’t you think they’ve earned a war?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/4bc97da3c49c9ae75ab8a949e37311b9.png)
Isaac Rao, Day Trader
“Every time a poor person dies I get $100, so I say do it.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/37e5a39009c5fe0e67462b0de60c5101.jpg)
Greg Paduch, Computer Programmer
“I drew a cartoon of Saddam Hussein wearing a sombrero and I got scared.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/b77457926623d97d1b37fb2d20b8380c.jpg)
Yannis Scott, Pawnbroker
“If the United States isn’t actively invading someplace for no reason, this country isn’t doing it’s job.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/fc4e9974a0a31df631bf51027edbb7b8.png)
Marc Ericson, ICE Agent
“I would love the opportunity to take all this torture I’ve been workshopping on tour.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/6f10e72d0a3115bfe88910c1cdf2dfde.jpg)
Chris Whittley, Restaurant Owner
“El Chapo keeps popping up in my lawn like a gopher and I can’t kill the fucker.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/1227309f8a0379621c342a153ada1817.png)
Cpl. Bill Shah, U.S. Marine
“The commute would be so easy.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/851f944ab8d38f264e2a3035288e2c3c.png)
Michael Davis, Architect
“We haven’t gotten a great modern war movie since Zero Dark Thirty.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/e069b2f25dd9e5cc791cc1c35666e3ab.png)
Myles Ray, Television Producer
“It would be interesting to see how we’d fuck that one up too.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/593cc7fbc89e54b762c59161233e5397.png)
Ken Atwell, Accountant
“It’s the only way to stop the cartel from prescribing opioids.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/145af997fc6742e7ebd19e2ec1e89d64.jpg)
Jeff O’Hara, Cactus Hobbyist
“Right now it’s illegal for me to take clippings from the protected Mexican wildlife, but if I enlisted, passed boot camp in record time, was immediately deployed to the front lines, somehow survived, and went AWOL, I could probably sneak a few rare varieties of saguaro back, which would finally impress the other guys in my local cactus-growing group.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/ab5e660df4f439d812c46a4d5a20e712.png)
Col. Ron Greenburg, U.S. Army
“Well, we got a little trigger-happy and already started.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/78b77ae31c7d5a0887de6bdf301402af.png)
Kelly Brandeis, Teen
“Get out of my room! God, don’t you ever knock?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/ddcff2df2c0d9c000d09729614d5f18d.png)
Nancy Fix, Phlebotomist
“We warned them to speak English, and they didn’t listen.”