With their large populations of unhoused people, minorities, and gays, liberal enclaves like New York and San Francisco have never been more dangerous to real, red-blooded Americans. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how they survive in the hellholes that are woke cities, and this is what they said.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/2204b8b8310fad405840ce381b734ff8.jpg)
Hazel Calwell, Dental Hygienist
“I preemptively pepper spray everyone sitting next to me on public transit.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/efc334d59b7f3b1df57cd2c7bbd7d8ae.jpg)
Carl Herrera, Mechanic
“I installed a Brita to filter out all of the wokeness from our tap water.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/22154290893a08e23ca248fdb454fee0.jpg)
Wendy Marks, Financial Analyst
“I never go below the 10th floor of any building I’m in, and I only travel by helicopter.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/e186d235e363a582993d6a7b687b8854.jpg)
Stacy Olsen, Pharmaceutical Researcher
“Carry a decoy wallet, drive a decoy car, and bring a decoy family.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/c62cffc22351337a5f7f225b9ea585de.png)
Susan Martin, Baker
“I eat all the cake before the gay couples get their chance to order it for their wedding.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/3ba63192771029de3844b2024fb2f0cb.jpg)
Jorge Rivera, Rideshare Driver
“When I get too stressed, I squeeze the locket containing a photo of Tucker Carlson that I always keep in my pocket.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/9ef5bced0e9766d75c1cdc3b8accce15.jpg)
Hank Lewis, Farmer
“I have actually never set foot in a place with more than 5,000 people, but that just makes me more of an expert on how dangerous they all are.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/757c777d9d1736c9f91946050a77c637.jpg)
Brett Gazon, Police Officer
“It’s actually not that hard if you have like-minded work friends.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/83376414ffc3eca8e68e4afcd0c9a3fe.png)
Harrison Barr, Construction Worker
“Years of tae kwon do classes have prepared me to roundhouse kick any man, woman, or child I suspect might be a drug addict.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/462790d0772e7c466a3426fa17ccbb87.jpg)
Mary Postman, Restaurant Manager
“Assuming a crouched position allows my chitinous exoskeleton to protect my fleshy underbelly.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/e3c6768095366f4db4b429dacdfd6487.png)
Sheila Dawson, Homemaker
“I always make my kids’ lunches myself in case their school tries to sneak CRT into the cafeteria food.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/bf4e49c2ae03765006360db79cd1aade.jpg)
Peter Jones, Factory Worker
“I refuse to be potty-trained so I don’t have to share a bathroom with a trans person.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/984a030139b85690a557340aca3f4657.jpg)
Daniel Pratt, Car Mechanic
“Fire. The most important thing is fire. You’d think it was food, but far more conservatives die from exposure to the elements.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/9d11da06b43838adc6f59977935ecb83.jpg)
Brianna McKay, Retail Manager
“If you need to make an escape, always remember that homeless people can climb faster than they can run.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/d15be1fa44ceacbf27c0b95e9831f504.jpg)
Andy Thomas, Podcaster
“I can’t describe it. The living conditions in Concord, New Hampshire are beyond imagination.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/1288e9531f55802945ecfd1afe052fd7.png)
Wade Irving, Retired
“I burned down my house so rioters can never do it themselves.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/c0b031adf8ee4d296bfe11dd16afef97.jpg)
Katy Long, Stay-At-Home Mom
“Christian podcasts and cognitive dissonance.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/4021e87ad30448328ff3eecd71b26168.jpg)
Bruce Garrison, Dairy Farmer
“I stay safe by living thousands of miles away and spitting exaggerated claims from afar.”