With their large populations of unhoused people, minorities, and gays, liberal enclaves like New York and San Francisco have never been more dangerous to real, red-blooded Americans. The Onion asked conservatives to explain how they survive in the hellholes that are woke cities, and this is what they said.
Hazel Calwell, Dental Hygienist
“I preemptively pepper spray everyone sitting next to me on public transit.”
Carl Herrera, Mechanic
“I installed a Brita to filter out all of the wokeness from our tap water.”
Wendy Marks, Financial Analyst
“I never go below the 10th floor of any building I’m in, and I only travel by helicopter.”
Stacy Olsen, Pharmaceutical Researcher
“Carry a decoy wallet, drive a decoy car, and bring a decoy family.”
Susan Martin, Baker
“I eat all the cake before the gay couples get their chance to order it for their wedding.”
Jorge Rivera, Rideshare Driver
“When I get too stressed, I squeeze the locket containing a photo of Tucker Carlson that I always keep in my pocket.”
Hank Lewis, Farmer
“I have actually never set foot in a place with more than 5,000 people, but that just makes me more of an expert on how dangerous they all are.”
Brett Gazon, Police Officer
“It’s actually not that hard if you have like-minded work friends.”
Harrison Barr, Construction Worker
“Years of tae kwon do classes have prepared me to roundhouse kick any man, woman, or child I suspect might be a drug addict.”
Mary Postman, Restaurant Manager
“Assuming a crouched position allows my chitinous exoskeleton to protect my fleshy underbelly.”
Sheila Dawson, Homemaker
“I always make my kids’ lunches myself in case their school tries to sneak CRT into the cafeteria food.”
Peter Jones, Factory Worker
“I refuse to be potty-trained so I don’t have to share a bathroom with a trans person.”
Daniel Pratt, Car Mechanic
“Fire. The most important thing is fire. You’d think it was food, but far more conservatives die from exposure to the elements.”
Brianna McKay, Retail Manager
“If you need to make an escape, always remember that homeless people can climb faster than they can run.”
Andy Thomas, Podcaster
“I can’t describe it. The living conditions in Concord, New Hampshire are beyond imagination.”
Wade Irving, Retired
“I burned down my house so rioters can never do it themselves.”
Katy Long, Stay-At-Home Mom
“Christian podcasts and cognitive dissonance.”
Bruce Garrison, Dairy Farmer
“I stay safe by living thousands of miles away and spitting exaggerated claims from afar.”
