Recently, a member of the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggested in an interview that gas stoves could be banned, setting off a firestorm in ring-wing circles that continued even after the federal agency clarified that no such plan was in the works. The Onion asked conservatives how they would feel if a ban were implemented, and this is what they said.
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/a97f9f12c8ea21ada7e2201e62014db4.jpg)
Will Rangone, Construction Worker
“Whatever thing the government is talking about banning now has always been a pillar of American democracy.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/c3f50ad757f572c2d6ae096634b111ac.jpg)
Gerry Trenton, Smelter
“Making a grilled cheese sandwich on an electric stove is exactly the world Stalin envisioned.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/e50887445733e72497ece193c0a06fe4.jpg)
Cait Krajeski, Stay-At-Home Mom
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to blame your apartment exploding on an ‘electricity leak’?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/9afb29d2e3235ad4cd89bb4297bd6501.jpg)
Joni Ernst, Senator
“I have become entranced by the flames. They beckon me with their dancing. I will not rest until all of America tastes their fire.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/ccc8038c38ba40b58a46a25d1de907e3.jpg)
Ron Burgess, Tollbooth Operator
“Smell good. Smell sleepy good.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/28672b66bc4a8a495467aa16a2b481de.jpg)
Claire Weiss, Contractor
“You can’t prove that’s gas and not a biofuel made from things I have decomposing in my basement.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/03e545ad1d3b0da3b2ac8db8e69340ab.jpg)
Art Rincon, Shipping Magnate
“The only people really in danger from gas stoves are the help.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/6de6bce0341f92a08db49c77a8d4847f.png)
Marlene Weine, Auditing Clerk
“My kids didn’t get asthma from the gas stove. They got asthma because I smoke in the house.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/fbac972d185ff118b7d75adf1577f3d9.png)
Cindy Hicks, Software Designer
“I bet if it were a gas-powered windmill, liberals would love it.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/73a1e50edea8b765727ee99a359e6064.jpg)
Trevor Regina, Musician
“What’s supposed to go where the gas stove was, another sink? That’s too much water for me.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/60d8703d2c47eda6a7d05dc24795c3cd.jpg)
Zack Larchmont, Physical Therapist
“What’s next, replacing my candles with electric lights? Where would you even get such things?”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/367744646340598a365cd78e680ff929.jpg)
Aaron Paquet, Medical Researcher
“Electric stoves can be just as bad for the environment, if you’re using them right.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/8aa1aea34fed98767a223d5a18d858bc.jpg)
Luisa Vargas, Waitress
“There’s not a single sentence in the Constitution that doesn’t mention them.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/e44931864b07568b6cb655e17d3499cb.jpg)
Samuel Kauffman,
“Electricity is for libs.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/e686096a465a889d438dee611fc1755f.jpg)
Sandra McNally,
“Food just tastes better when my kid is wheezing in the next room.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/b981435f91272334d30cbe7bbc9ce464.jpg)
Jacklyn Duffy,
“If an LG LSGL6337F Smart Slide-In Gas Range was good enough for George Washington, it’s good enough for me.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/930c59847a3a50702ac29ea4b1e75006.jpg)
Harry Barnidge,
“This is how it starts. Next thing you know, liberals will be coming for our heroin and child pornography.”
![The Onion](/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/2389a1be3bccbc96d94865b19ab77dc9.jpg)
Conrad Straub,
“Whichever side of this debate I’m supposed to be on, I’m furious.”