Recently, a member of the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggested in an interview that gas stoves could be banned, setting off a firestorm in ring-wing circles that continued even after the federal agency clarified that no such plan was in the works. The Onion asked conservatives how they would feel if a ban were implemented, and this is what they said.
Will Rangone, Construction Worker
“Whatever thing the government is talking about banning now has always been a pillar of American democracy.”
Gerry Trenton, Smelter
“Making a grilled cheese sandwich on an electric stove is exactly the world Stalin envisioned.”
Cait Krajeski, Stay-At-Home Mom
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to blame your apartment exploding on an ‘electricity leak’?”
Joni Ernst, Senator
“I have become entranced by the flames. They beckon me with their dancing. I will not rest until all of America tastes their fire.”
Ron Burgess, Tollbooth Operator
“Smell good. Smell sleepy good.”
Claire Weiss, Contractor
“You can’t prove that’s gas and not a biofuel made from things I have decomposing in my basement.”
Art Rincon, Shipping Magnate
“The only people really in danger from gas stoves are the help.”
Marlene Weine, Auditing Clerk
“My kids didn’t get asthma from the gas stove. They got asthma because I smoke in the house.”
Cindy Hicks, Software Designer
“I bet if it were a gas-powered windmill, liberals would love it.”
Trevor Regina, Musician
“What’s supposed to go where the gas stove was, another sink? That’s too much water for me.”
Zack Larchmont, Physical Therapist
“What’s next, replacing my candles with electric lights? Where would you even get such things?”
Aaron Paquet, Medical Researcher
“Electric stoves can be just as bad for the environment, if you’re using them right.”
Luisa Vargas, Waitress
“There’s not a single sentence in the Constitution that doesn’t mention them.”
Samuel Kauffman,
“Electricity is for libs.”
Sandra McNally,
“Food just tastes better when my kid is wheezing in the next room.”
Jacklyn Duffy,
“If an LG LSGL6337F Smart Slide-In Gas Range was good enough for George Washington, it’s good enough for me.”
Harry Barnidge,
“This is how it starts. Next thing you know, liberals will be coming for our heroin and child pornography.”
Conrad Straub,
“Whichever side of this debate I’m supposed to be on, I’m furious.”
