Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything

FLOWER MOUND, TX—Condemning the “woke left” for what he called the “modern evisceration of masculinity,” local conservative man Hank Daniels confirmed Monday that he was never going to stop being proudly frightened of everything. “I’m proud as hell to be scared of everything, and there’s nothing you can do to silence me about that fact,” said Daniels, puffing out his chest as he spoke from behind a barricaded basement door that he had reinforced to keep out the “terrifying liberals, women, and immigrants who haunt my thoughts, at all hours of the day and night, whether I’m awake or asleep,” which he told reporters he was not ashamed to admit in the slightest. “Whether it’s gender stuff, trans people, or a small Asian toddler growing up in a household that speaks more languages than just English, I will live my life in absolute fear, proudly and without apology—that’s the conservative way. You say ‘city,’ and I’m going to piss myself, and there’s no way I’m going to hide that wet spot just to make you libs more comfortable. I’m going to tell it like it is—for instance, I’m a man, and I’m scared of my own desires, and I don’t care who knows it!” Daniels added that his fears didn’t end with cultural concepts either—he was also quite fearful of spiders and had no problem stating that openly.