Confused Russian Soldier Was Told Ukrainians Would Be Happy To Be Summarily Executed In Street

KYIV, UKRAINE—Noting the strange discrepancy between reality and his expectations, local Russian soldier Aleksander Kozlov was reportedly confused Tuesday after being told Ukrainians would be happy to be summarily executed in the street. “I’m just a little taken aback, because we were told that the Ukrainian people would be jumping for joy to be massacred,” said Kozlov, just one of many soldiers in his unit who was struggling with low morale following the Ukrainian people’s thus far lukewarm reactions to being tied up and shot execution-style in the head. “Our general said the second we arrived the people would come flooding into the streets cheering and crying, ‘Shoot me! Shoot me!’ I would get it if maybe the men weren’t super thrilled, but you would think at least the women and children would be excited to watch their families get killed before their very eyes. If they do like it, they have an odd way of showing it.” At press time, Kozlov added that he was still holding out hope the Ukrainians would start expressing gratitude once Russian started dropping nuclear bombs.