STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don’t desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting people
WEAKNESSES: Sacks actually his second favorite statistic behind the obscure “Tackle After 10-Yard Gain”; sometimes a little sloppy when wrapping up birthday presents; was just trying to pet the lady’s soft hair
TRAINING REGIMEN: Has studied judo and jiujitsu to increase his ability to scream long strings of vowels at opponents
COLLEGE CAREER: Refused to take “you scare us” as an answer and chose to walk on at USC anyway
SIGNATURE MOVE: Uses 8,000-rpm spin to drill deep into the field and burst out from the ground beneath the unsuspecting quarterback
