LANGLEY, VA—After months of eager anticipation within the nation’s ghetto communities, the Central Intelligence Agency unveiled its 1998 line of addictive drugs Monday.
1. Blue Glass Type: EuphoricMethod: SmokedEffects: Feelings of extreme optimism and happiness; greatly enhanced reflexes; sensory and sexual pleasure; visual acuity. Immediately followed by semi-permanent suicidal catatonia.Duration: Five minutesCost: $1 per hit
2. BrainscratchType: HallucinogenMethod: Dropped into eyeEffects: Reaches visual cortex in seconds, producing terrifying hallucinations. Test subjects report loss of identity and feelings of total dislocation from human world.Duration: Ten hours to several yearsCost: $2 per dose
3. Zom-BType: NarcoticMethod: InjectedEffects: Stuporous mental coma, yet user’s motor functions are involuntarily stimulated. Possible side effects may include walking off bridges or into oncoming trains.Duration: Fifteen to twenty hoursCost: $3 per fix
4. SpikeType: StimulantMethod: Ingested as pillEffects: Rush of physical strength, invulnerability to pain, and sociopathic impulses. Originally developed by Pentagon as combat drug.Duration: Two hoursCost: $5 for 15 pills
“The wait is over,” CIA Director John Deutch said at the festive drug launch, simulcast on giant-screen TVs throughout Watts, Cabrini Green, Newark, and other urban areas. “Inner-city Americans now have four exciting new ways to narcotize themselves, with the quality of product and wide distribution they’ve come to expect from the CIA.”
Reaction to the new drugs (see sidebar) was overwhelmingly positive. “They had a tough act to follow after crack,” said New York-area Mafia boss Alfonse DiBiasi, Deutch’s close friend and former college roommate. “But this new stuff is just as cheap and every bit as addictive. We’re all very excited.”
President Clinton praised the CIA as well. “This is a win-win situation for all Americans,” he said. “Inner-city Americans will receive the powerful drugs they love, and the CIA will raise the funds they can’t get from Congress to get their Jonestown mind-control experiment up and running again.”
The new drugs are supported by months of CIA testing to ensure maximum potency and addictiveness. Focus groups, consisting primarily of homeless men and street orphans culled from ghettos around the country, were housed in an underground research facility beneath CIA headquarters in Langley, VA. Only after six months of exhaustive experimentation on members of this target demograph, who sampled hundreds of drugs, were the final decisions made.
“Everybody loves me because I am so beautiful. Anything is possible. I am going to live a very long and happy life,” said Oakland, CA, native Charles Simmons, who spent 10 weeks testing Blue Glass, the CIA’s new smokable euphoric drug. Simmons then leapt out a window to his death.
“I they I drugs these are very feel good right,” said Dwayne Woodson of Bronx, NY, another CIA test participant. “Pork chops three for $2.99.”
CIA officials said that testing is necessary in order to avoid releasing potentially dangerous substances into the ghettos. “One initially promising drug was later discontinued due to undesirable side effects, such as increased intelligence and feelings of love for others,” said Dr. Harold Vandermeer, head of the CIA’s narcotics development team.
Initial product rollout began this week in the ghetto neighborhoods of Los Angeles, Detroit and New Orleans, with all residents receiving a special drug-sampler pack in the mail, including a full-color, English-Spanish promotional pamphlet and instructional videotape. If the market response is as favorable as the CIA expects, the drugs should be available in every ghetto in the nation as soon as August 1.
“I thought I’d never say this,” Deutch said, “but put down that crack pipe, ghetto-dwellers: You’re going to love these new drugs.”
Deutch went on to state that none of the above events “ever happened” and categorically denied any CIA connection with the new drugs.
