CIA Agent Wishes He Could Brag About How Well Secret War With Bolivia Is Going

WASHINGTON—Claiming he wanted to shout their accomplishments from the hilltops, CIA agent Harvey Rose reportedly wished he could brag about how well America’s secret war with Bolivia was going, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I hate that it has to be so confidential, because I really want to boast about how we are absolutely destroying them,” said Rose, adding that the U.S.-trained guerrilla forces were destabilizing the region faster and more efficiently than expected, which he thought would be well-deserving of public praise if the agency weren’t trying to keep its military involvement off the record. “Whenever anyone asks how work’s going, I want to tell them all about the success we’ve had bribing officials and installing spies in top leadership circles, but I have to bite my tongue and just say, ‘It’s fine.’ The natural resources we’re stealing from the country would certainly be worth writing home about, but unfortunately, we probably won’t get any credit until decades from now when it’s revealed in some leaked dossier.” Rose admitted it was a small consolation that the Bolivian people were well aware of their impressive efforts.