Many public schools across the United States violate religious freedom laws by leading children in prayer and hanging the Ten Commandments in classrooms. The Onion asked Christians why they push Christianity in public schools, and this is what they said.
Beth Hughes, Office Assistant
“We have to ensure their souls are saved before the next school shooting.”
Isaac Gomez, Chef
“Just seems like common-sense theocratic fascism to me.”
Russell Hoffmann, Pastor
“Education really interferes with my messaging.”
Sharon Neveret, Marketer
“How are our kids going to survive in the job market if they don’t know who Lucius of Cyrene is?”
Jessica Loefler, Botanist
“If they don’t learn Christianity in school, they’re just going to learn it on the streets.”
Tim Godoux, Gardener
“Like Christ from on high uttered unto his disciples: Convert that teen, stack that green.”
Grace Langolin, Personal Trainer
“Every time someone types 80,085 into a calculator to spell ‘boobs,’ the devil is at work. Christ’s soldiers must be there to answer him.”
Father Brennan, Priest
“We’re always looking for new kids to molest.”
Heidi King, Attorney
“I can’t bear the thought of my child graduating with an accurate understanding of science and history.”
Teresa Myers, Homemaker
“I got married at 24. My husband works all day and doesn’t talk to me. I’m not allowed to have a job. I’m annoying about this issue just to prove I exist.”
Eleanor Furbish, Bookkeeper
“America was founded on forcing children to believe weird things.”
Chris Stanley, Carpenter
“Without Christianity in schools, education would just run wild.”
Vicki Ramos, Bank Teller
“Kids don’t have a right to separation of church and state till they’re 18.”
Stephanie Williams, Bartender
“Most public school’s textbooks are several decades old, so what’s the harm from teaching a book from several thousand years ago?”
Lucille Phillips, Paralegal
“The Bible doesn’t teach any of that woke, historical nonsense like ‘slavery was bad.’”
Suzanne Washburn, Cosmetologist
“I would homeschool my son, to educate him in the teachings of Jesus Christ, but alas, he hates my fucking guts.”
Tony Piper, Glassblower
“It’s harder to brainwash them once they’re older.”
