Christian Couple Ends Fight With Passionate Makeup Abstinence

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Admitting that they gave themselves fully over to the heat of the moment, local Christian couple Ben Higgins and Miranda Franklin reportedly ended a blowout fight Monday with a round of passionate makeup abstinence. “I have to say, disagreements like these are almost always worth it for the hot makeup abstinence we get to have afterward,” said an out-of-breath Franklin explaining that, at a certain point, fury tips into fiery passion and they have no choice but to heave themselves onto the bed and quietly stare at the ceiling. “All of that pent up aggression just explodes into falling to our knees and thanking Jesus Christ for our iron-clad willpower. You know that feeling when you just have to right then and there fervently button up your cardigan sweater and head to opposite ends of the house to pray? Whew, I’m still a little flush thinking about all that dead, stale silence.” At press time, Franklin had revealed the fight was originally about Higgins having just gotten several underage women in their congregation pregnant.