Several states have recently introduced bills to eliminate age verification for young workers. The Onion asked several children how they felt about loosened child labor restrictions, and this is what they said.
Marcie Estrella, 14
“I think colleges will be impressed I survived being sucked into an industrial loom.”
Sofia Bautista, 2
“I go slaughterhouse?”
Kyle Johnson, 12
“I’m sure the same states allowing kids the freedom to work will also allow us the freedom to join a labor union.”
Ellie Dobbs, 6
“I’m not 5 anymore. Time to start earning my keep.”
Hannah Huckabee Sanders, 11
“My mom says this law is only for kids who don’t live in the governor’s mansion.”
Tracy Peters, 11
“So I’m allowed to go to how many Disney auditions per day now?”
Cassie Stevens, 12
“Normally I wouldn’t want a job, but I need that money to help raise the baby the state’s forcing me to have.”
Avery Hamilton, 11
“My childhood was lasting too long as it was.”
Moira Dodds, 5
“I think you’ll find that I have all the requisite experience for any open princess positions.”
Ava Kim, 15
“It will be interesting to see whether I get shot at school or work first.”
Colin Davis, 8
“This means I’ll have more time to play with my rock friends when I’m down in the mine shaft.”
Nellie Keeler, 8
“Good. I’m sick of being a leech on society.”
Harper Kim, 4
“CEOs will be happy to know that we won’t be fighting for a four-day workweek since most of us can’t count that high yet.”
Eric Terry, 14
“Killing bugs was always a hobby of mine, but working at the slaughterhouse? That’s the dream.”
Shanice Jefferson, 12
“It really scares me, because I worry my employer won’t have sufficient liability protections.”
Jen Cargill, 15
“Why should I have to wait another three years to experience workplace sexual harassment?”
Maddy Lee, 7
“All the big kids are working doubles, so why can’t I?”
Ethan Gibbler, 8
“Anything to get me away from my bitch of a wife.”
