Child 'Very Sorry' For Slapping Teddy Bear

CARY, NC—Arthur Hollis, 8, delivered a heartfelt apology to his favorite, most-special teddy bear, Raymond, after slapping him across the face and knocking him off the bed Monday. “I don’t know why I do it, Raymond,” Hollis said to the stuffed bear as he cradled it in his arms. “I’m very sorry. I’ll never do it again, I promise.” Hollis’ father Daniel reported that his son has a history of domestic toy violence, harassment of the family cats, and wild outbursts after consuming too many gummi bears.




Sample front page of The Onion's DNC paper