With Republicans critical of recent bills enforcing minimum age requirements for marriage, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why child marriage should be legal and this is what they said.
Lionel Fowler, Mechanic
“How the hell else am I supposed to find a wife?”
Beatrice McDay, Homemaker
“Being a child bride was great! I’m 28 now and I’ve never had to make a single decision in my life!”
Norm Franklin, Principal
“Most of the girls I meet are at work.”
Addison Burrell, Data Scientist
“Helping my wife deal with her first period is one of my proudest moments as a husband.”
Rachel Cranston, Sports Psychologist
“I peaked socially, physically, and mentally as a child. Why should people have to wait beyond that to marry?”
Stephen Brown, Lobbyist
“Outside of banning contraception, marriage is one of the best ways to control women. It just doesn’t make sense that we wouldn’t extend that to the most vulnerable female population out there.”
Barry Fitzgerald, Sales Manager
“Love is love.”
Archibald Cuthbert, Baron
“How else am I to acquire more land, a better title, and higher social status?”
Dean Lowe, Small Business Owner
“The best person to protect a child from groomers is her husband.”
Benny Lopez, Teacher
“I need to make an honest woman out of the 11-year-old I got pregnant.”
Kendra Melby, Wedding Planner
“I have a lot of great ideas for a sophisticated playground wedding.”
Grant Croucher, Pipe Fitter
“If Mary married Joseph when she was a child, then why can’t I buy the 12-year-old next door for $900?”
Randall Simms, Computer Programmer
“They love shiny objects. Just make sure they don’t swallow their rings.”
Pete O’Harris, Stock Broker
“Look, it’s either we marry children or get to keep collecting and prominently displaying Nazi memorabilia. Liberals need to make a choice.”
Tanner Boudrey, Unemployed
“Only loose women get a period.”
Morgan Henley, 4-Year-Old
“I wanna marry my mom and I’m never going to feel different!”
Theo Greene, Gamer
“I always wanted to marry a gun, but if I can’t, a child is the next best thing.”
Matt Gaetz, Congressman
“Well, I’ve recently started seeing someone.”
Craig Dorsey, Lighting Specialist
“I’m going to molest them anyway. Might as well give them a party at least.”
