Child Being Teased About Having Crush Angrily Asserts He Incapable Of Love

GRAPEVINE, TX—Taking a defiant stand as children taunted him, local 9-year-old Trevor Larson denied having a crush on fellow fourth-grader Abby Hinsdale and vehemently asserted that he was incapable of love, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Nuh-uh, no way do I like Abby! She’s a butter-face, plus something inside of me is broken and I can never form a loving, meaningful attachment to another person,” said Larson, citing Hinsdale’s reported cooties and his own deep-seated intimacy issues as reasons why he could not possibly have fostered an emotional connection to the girl, whom he sat next to in science class last year at Bickford Elementary School. “Yuck! All girls are gross, and besides, I have profound insecurities that make it impossible for me to love myself, let alone anyone else. Seriously, guys, stop! I don’t like her, okay? I literally can’t feel anything more than fleeting infatuation for a romantic partner and likely never will. Also, this one time she kissed John Shepler, who is my best friend, and I’m way too self-absorbed and controlling to negotiate that with my massive—yet, ultimately, very fragile—ego. Blech.” At press time, Larson was seen passing Hinsdale a note explaining that it didn’t matter if she liked him back because he was unable to accept love and deep down believed he was not worthy of it.