Chicago Tapes Saran Wrap Over City Borders To Cut Down On Heating Costs

CHICAGO—Telling residents the simple solution would save them big time in the long run, city officials announced Monday they would be duct-taping Saran wrap over Chicago’s borders to cut down on heating costs. “This is an easy, inexpensive fix that keeps the heat from leaking out into the suburbs,” said Mayor Lori Lightfoot, ripping off a 25-mile-long strip of duct tape with her teeth as an aide blow-dried a sheet of plastic wrap to remove wrinkles and keep it taut over the city’s perimeter. “Most people just crank up the heat without thinking about insulation. But a lot of that warmth is escaping into Indiana, and last time I checked, they weren’t offering to split our gas bill. An old city like this is going to get drafty in the winter. That’s just a fact, especially this close to the lake. But take a few hundred thousand feet of Saran wrap, tape it down, and voilà, our costs are cut nearly in half. Careful! Don’t let it snag on the skyscrapers.” At press time, several stray bullets had reportedly punctured the plastic, causing the city’s temperature to drop significantly despite the heat being set to a comfortable 68 degrees.