Centuries Of Agricultural Inbreeding Produce Apple With Warped, Protruding Jaw

SALEM, OR—In an unsettling development that elicited gasps and whispered horror from local townspeople, orchard sources reported Thursday that centuries of agricultural inbreeding had produced an apple with a warped, protruding jaw. “They’ve tried to keep the Granny Smith bloodline pure for 150 years, but nature doesn’t like that sort of thing,” said Oregon native Eric McCree, who claimed that concerns over diluting the reputedly superior genetics of the prized cultivar had led local farmers to only cross-pollinate new trees with seeds from the same original apple. “Over time, these incestuous unions produce fruit that is mushy and weak. Last year a whole crop died from blight, but our local orchard still refuses to plant seedlings outside the Granny Smith pedigree, insisting that other apples aren’t fit and would pollute the lineage. But look at ’em. Some of them even have tongues that just stay flopped out of their mouths.” At press time, the apple breeders had reportedly secured a powerful alliance by obtaining the promise of a grafting between a Granny Smith and one of Washington State’s most prominent honeycrisps.