Cemetery Staff Assures Family Grandpa Buried Around Here Somewhere

EUGENE, OR—Promising to locate the loved one’s final resting place right away, the staff at Sacred Heart Cemetery assured a local family that their grandfather was buried around here somewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he’s gotta be in one of these sections over here,” said Lewis Benson, the cemetery’s manager, flipping through various grave plot charts while asking around to see if any other employees had seen the deceased patriarch’s headstone recently. “Are you sure you didn’t mean to say grandma? Because we do have a woman by that name. No? Okay… Hmm… Did you opt for an unmarked grave by chance? Don’t worry he’s definitely underground somewhere.” After failing to locate the grave site, Benson reportedly offered the family a replacement grandfather free of charge.