While being graded like meat is nothing new for the famous, The Onion asked celebrities what they thought about their ratings on the foot fetish website Wikifeet, and this is what they said.
Jennifer Aniston
“Nice! A perfect 600 score. One point for every toe.”
Jessica Biel
“I guess I have to come clean. Those aren’t really my feet—they’re a pair of slippers made to look like bear paws that I wear under all my shoes.”
Katy Perry
“Not fair. That was taken first thing in the morning, and my feet hadn’t put on makeup yet.”
Jay-Z
“Fuck Wikifeet. Use Tarsal, my artist-owned HiFi foot-ranking service.”
Austin Butler
“Zero stars is bullshit. I know lots of people who have a hoof fetish.”
Peter Gallagher
“For the last time, those are eyebrows.”
Rachel Sennott
“Those are definitely pics of when my feet were underage. They’re still underage, actually, they only grew there five years ago. You’re doing child foot porn if you look at them. Sorry, boys!”
Jared Leto
“Not too bad! Almost makes me regret cutting them off and mailing them to Margot Robbie.”
Chris Hemsworth
“Hey, what gives? Why are my feet blacked out and listed as ‘forbidden’?”
Florence Pugh
“If you think that’s good, check out my rating on Wikielbow.”
Dr. Scholl
“I guess I kind of brought this on myself.”
Debra Messing
“I don’t care what rating he gave them; Julian Assange is a traitor!”
Dwayne Johnson
“Of course I got five stars. These feet can bench over 300 pounds.”
Gigi Hadid
“I’m a little offended it’s not higher considering I’m engaged to the founder.”
Kesha
“That’s not fair, they’re only rating two of them, and those aren’t even the good ones.”
Jonathan Majors
“It’s great! Look how peaceful they are, not kicking anyone or anything like that!”
Helen Mirren
“Those aren’t even my real feet. That’s how good of an actress I am.”
Kirsten Dunst
“No, do not tell me they ascribe numbers to flesh!!! Flesh is a quality not a quantity and mustn’t be assessed as such! Tell me adjectives of the flesh, descriptions of the flesh, exquisite tales of how the flesh makes you feel! But O, please do not reduce such a tapestry of flesh to a single number!”
Armie Hammer
“That’s one fetish I’ll never understand.”
Gisele Bundchen
“Ugh. Don’t bring it up, it’s the reason Tom and I got divorced. I walked in on him rating mine average.”
Crystal The Monkey
“I think it’s technically bestiality for me to score above a 2.5.”
Tom Cruise
“Wouldn’t you like to know? The church of Scientology has shielded my feet for decades.”
Selena Gomez
“I’m flattered, but you fellas should know that my feet don’t have any genitals.”
