Celebrities Give Kate Middleton Photoshop Advice

A digitally manipulated family photo, intending to show off the healthiness of the Princes of Wales after a recent abdominal surgery, caused an uproar, speculation, and conspiracy theories. The Onion asked celebrities to give photoshop advice to Kate Middleton, and this is what they said.

Kim Kardashian

“You can get a 60% Adobe discount if you’re a student. That’s mostly the reason I went to law school.”

Joni Mitchell

“I’ve found that developing a once-in-a-generation talent at melody and lyricism has helped a few people not think about my appearance at all and instead just see me as a talented human being. So I’d recommend she try that.”

Jennifer Lopez

“I’d recommend taking the focus off this mistake by releasing a trailer for an absolutely insane vanity project that makes you look like a narcissism-driven lunatic who has lost all contact with reality.”

Tyra Banks

“Make sure your computer screen is well moisturized.”

Sydney Sweeney

“Yikes. I’d just recommend being 26 years old and at the absolutely peak of physical beauty, and then you don’t ever have to think about gaffes like this.”

Ben Affleck

“The iPhone comes with a camera app. Hope that helps.”

Robert Downey Jr.

“ALT/OPT + SHIFT + right click and hold is your friend!”

Selena Gomez

“I don’t think they have Photoshop over there.”

Emma Watson

“She should stand in one of those cut-outs where you put your head in a hole and it looks like you’re a carnival strongman! Those always fool me.”

Adam Levine

“They can airbrush tattoos on if you’re too scared to get one but already told your buddies you did.”

Prince Harry

“Snapchat has some pretty realistic-looking dog ear filters.”

Martin Scorsese

“If she’s interested in looking like a 24-year-old Irish truck driver, I have some groundbreaking anti-aging technology that doesn’t quite do the trick.”

Anne Hathaway

“Eyes big. Make the eyes big. Big eyes. As big as eyes can be. And if you think the eyes are too big? Make them bigger. Big eyes.”

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“On the planet Z-15-Delta, 55 lightyears from your own, I am very much like the Kate Middleton of the Vfxzilp dynasty, leaders of a race of plasma-based sentient life forms. Thankfully, we all have hands that look almost identical to wooden armrests, and so a Photoshop mistake like hers would not be particularly egregious.”