CDC: ‘Definitely Too Hot Out To Wear A Condom’

ATLANTA—Reminding the nation that many heat-related deaths and illnesses are preventable, the Centers for Disease Control issued a new guideline Thursday stating that it’s definitely too hot out right now to wear a condom. “With temperatures reaching triple digits from Las Vegas to New York, we are asking Americans to forgo the use of prophylactic devices on their penises in order to reduce the risk of overheating,” said CDC director Rochelle Walensky, adding that the guideline applied to all latex, lambskin, and novelty edible condoms, because the same materials that prevent transmission of bodily fluids don’t allow the sexual organs to breathe, creating a dangerous genital suffocation hazard. “If you choose to have sex in this weather, please know that it will be very, very hot, and we don’t mean in an erotic sense. Using a condom greatly compounds the risk to your health. While sexually transmitted diseases can in some cases be deadly, so can heatstroke. If you absolutely must use one, we recommend extra-thin ‘barely there’ condoms, which will at least provide your penis with some relief from the sweltering heat when they inevitably break.” The CDC later clarified that the guideline did not apply to loose-fitting condoms made from natural fabrics like linen or cotton, which can actually help protect one’s penis from the sun’s harmful ultraviolet rays.