SANTA ROSA, CA—Reminding the public that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection reportedly massaged 2.5 million gallons of moisturizer into parched state forests Tuesday to break the cycle of dryness that has led to continual flare-ups. “The number one cause of forest fire breakouts is dry brush, which is best treated by saturating the affected area with a lubricating cream designed to lock in moisture,” said California Fire Chief Thom Porter as he gently worked three quarts of lavender-scented lotion into the rough, cracked trunk of a 300-foot redwood. “We chose a hypoallergenic, coconut milk-based emulsion that not only replenishes lost chloroplast lipids, but also uses a hyaluronic acid to boost the brushwood’s natural moisture production, ensuring our vegetation remains thoroughly hydrated without developing oily bark. We’ll be applying the cream in gentle, circular motions from the Bay Area down through the Sierra Nevada region and all the way up to the Oregon border. Then we’ll follow with a gentle SPF 30 setting spray to prevent further sun damage to the already crispy leaves.” Porter added that while the program is expensive, taxpayers save millions thanks to state prison inmates, who are paid $1 per acre to administer the forests’ autumn exfoliation regimen.
